It feels weird posting this, in April, and it being so positive about something I now feel was entirely fake. But whether I like it or not, that was my life at the time, and that was how I felt. I don’t want to spend any more time or energy thinking about things that are in the past so I’m not changing any of the posts I’d written because at the time, that was how I felt. However, time changes and so do feelings…
The other day Hannah came round to see me for the evening, we just chilled and had some food. It was so nice to see her outside of hospital and I must admit a few tears were shed when I saw her because I’m full of stupid soppy emotions recently. And she bought Monty round to see Lexi, although Lexi wasn’t really bothered to be honest and Monty just joined Hannah and I upstairs and joined in our girly natter!
Then today we went to Walton and had fish and chips. Both fish and chips being very safe foods, but I should have remembered that I can’t eat as much as I used to! I ordered just a normal fish and chips, but I definitely should have got the children’s portion.
I’ve found that although I’m hungry ALL the time, my stomach is a lot smaller so I can’t eat as much. But I’m always hungry… It’s a hard one to explain. I’m sure in time this whole “eat little and often” thing will become second nature but right now I’m just happy to be alive and eating foods that would normally be seen as unhealthy!
The last few days have been pretty good, I’ve been getting out the house a little bit more and I’m slowly getting back to wearing my normal clothes. Jeans are a bit uncomfortable for my at the moment because my tummy is still quite bloated and skinny jeans are my favourite thing to wear, so I’ve been wearing a lot of skirts and leggings with shirts. At first I was worried about you being able to see my stoma through them, but I’ve found combinations which seem to hide it well and make me feel.
We’ve been going to restaurants and trying to see what I can and can’t order from the menus. It’s taking some getting used to because you don’t realise how much fibre is in foods until you have to restrict how much you can have. The other day for example, Callam and I went to a Mexican and I ordered nachos without the peppers, jalapeños, onions, salsa, guacamole or chives… By that point it was literally just nachos, cheese and chicken. The waitress did give me bit of a weird look, no weirder than when I put my straw on the table and drank my drink just from the glass though, but surely I’m not the only one who does that?
We’ve also been to Costa, Frankie & Benny’s, Hungry Horse… A fair few places, we seem to have eaten out a lot over the last few days as it gets me out the house but also my appetite is through to roof thanks to good old prednisolone! In each place I’ve been given strange looks for adapting my food in such a way that I cut half of the meal out pretty much. Callam’s going home over Christmas so we’ve spent the last few days together and he’s really helped with getting me out the house, but at the same time he’s not pushed me too far, he just seems to get that I might suddenly need to sit down if we’re walking around a shop. He’s not once judged me. I was so scared about life with a stoma and dating and getting to know someone new, because I know my ex wouldn’t have been accepting of it at all. But Callam’s the complete opposite, it doesn’t seem to bother him at all. He seems to care less about it than I do, but then again he’s never known me without it. He makes me happy and feel okay in my own body, even though that’s not how I feel in the slightest. Showing him my stoma scared me, it’s literally a bag full of poo, but I wanted him to understand what it really is. I wanted to give him the opportunity to walk away whilst neither of us really have any true feelings for each other, to save both of us getting hurt. But for some reason, he’s choosing to stick around… Maybe he’s one of the good ones that everybody seems to talk to me about?