I think I’ve decided what surgery I’m going to have, just got to wait for my appointment in July to make my decision. I might change my mind between now and then but I know I’m not in the right frame of mind to go through another major surgery so soon.
I think I’m opting to have my rectum removed (obviously) and the make my stoma permanent. The way I see it at the moment, is that there are so many cons for having a J pouch formed, but then at the same time I’d be bag free and I’d love that . For a couple of months now, since I’ve been having trouble with my rectum, I’ve wanted that removed. In theory, then I will be “cured” of colitis, however I will be left with the effects of it for life. Such as the fatigue, achey joints, vitamin deficiency and of course the obvious one – my stoma.
I wrote a list of pros and cons for keeping my stoma, and having it reversed. As you can see, there were so many more cons for reversal, but I’m not sure still…
All those cons but not having a bag is such a big pro in my eyes…
So more surgery is inevitable, highly likely to be in July / August. I have a follow up appointment on July 6th to discuss my choice.
Recently, I feel like I’ve been having a bit of a rubbish time. Yes I’m healing, and yes I’m alive, but I still don’t feel like me. I’m forever feeling like I’m a burden. Some people cancel plans, some don’t even make them, and some have just simply chosen to walk away and distance themselves from me.
I feel like I’ve lost friends because of my diagnosis and operation. I’ve even lost my relationship due to the surgery I will be facing later this year. It sucks. But I know it was for the best rather than when I’m on the operating table in six months time.
Why he only decided this now, I do not know.
Why he couldn’t have decided things were too much when I was literally dying and I gave him several opportunities to walk away, I do not know. I’ll never know.
And as for the holiday we’d booked… Why book a holiday with someone who is chronically ill, if you have no intention of sticking around and being with them? Especially if emigrating to Australia is on your list of things to do before the summer is over. Beats me.
But I won’t let colitis beat me. Life may take your gut, but it’s better than your gut taking your life